And “me?”, asks the woman

Whenever I hear some one compare men and women, all I hear is “yada, yada, yada..rant rant rant”. How can you compare men and women, do you ever compare apples and motorcycles? And why would a woman want to be like a man? What is with the equality thing?

I will agree that over the years I have grown up hating a man’s guts. I envied how men could do just do anything and be almost as least emotionally involved as ever. At least that’s what I felt. They could wiff away their mom’s concern or any concern for that matter in seconds. Simple emotional problems that we girls blow our brains on did not go anywhere near them.  No wonder I always liked guy friends over girls, there was never the emotional stuff there, it was clean and un-adulterated fun without any hang-ups. Initially, I never found girls fun and never bonded with them, always deflecting the inadequate-ness I felt at being one (and thus, feeling I was a bit complicated) to all of them, finally befriending only a select few and keeping just at the right distance away.

It was only when I started living in a girl’s hostel in my college did I realise that girls are fun too. Not just fun, they needn’t be complicated at all and they were different people who gave you warm comfort when they were around you. Obviously, some of my college friends are the people I’d say best know me. There is stuff that I have done and even before I had realised that I have committed a blunder, they had told me that I am going to regret it later. I am completely at ease with all of them and we have loads of fun, sometimes more than my guy friends, for whom, I have become one of all complicated womankind they generally don’t “get”.

It has been 5 years since I graduated from college and since then I have met a variety of men and women. Because I stopped taking women as complicated beings way back in college, I have befriended both men and women and have refrained from comparing them. All of them really have been an ensemble in my life and it has worked that way quite well. In all these years one thing that has hit home perfectly to me is that men and women are really two different beings. No one is better or worse, but they are just different. We are no one to judge their style of functioning and doing certain things as good or bad. It is just a way, and they do it because of different reasons.

As I study sociology, I understand the immense importance of society in a person’s life and the enormous impact it has on him (and him is as gender neutral as it can be). Men and women are socialised differently and thus end up being so different. Earlier, some of these ways of socialisation became so ingrained in us that they became a part of our culture and affected the evolution process. For example, the need for women to be sexually desirable has translated somewhere to the need to be smooth, hence the (comparative) lack of facial hair and body hair in women. There are numerous examples such as these, but it is not the examples that count…what counts is that these external agencies, such as the forces of societies have had a huge role in making men and women who they are today. There were different roles that men and women needed to fulfill in the society and both fulfilled them. Fulfilling those roles, they developed their primary and secondary characters and now present themselves as that. This is why, I don’t get the need for comparison. The need for the good and the bad. Everyone does their work and is happy. End of story.

This is the reason why I have never been a fan of women’s studies and I laugh when some one says that “aaj ki naari, mard ke saath har kadam par kandhe se kandha mila kar chal rahi hai.” I never understood the reason for a woman’s need for validation by a man. This comparison and this quest for recognition went beyond me.

However, few incidents, including the following have made me think and question this attitude further. Sometime back, heard a friend say, right after his marriage (when we were discussing if is wife should study MBA or continue with her job) that society is going haywire because too many women are getting educated and that now they don’t feel the need to look after their families. Also, that women who are very educated do not remain under the control of their men and upset everything. I was completely shocked (primary reaction, when you really don’t realise the need to get into the depth of any argument) and thought that the man was an idiot and was a part of the other extreme where all women think that men are responsible for everything wrong in their lives.

But when I really went back to what he was saying, I realised that on the face of it, he was right. Women were getting educated and they were experiencing a whole new independence never known to their tribe before. It was bound to upset the framework of society which was made on a specific role distribution which made women look after the home and men earn the wages. The power was all with the man and the woman was contend looking after the home and children (let’s not get into how the Industrial Revolution brought this change in English society and then the nationalist movement trickled it to India, what ever the reason, how the present society is structured). A working, educated woman who had the financial power obviously upset this arrangement resulting in chaos. He was right. I was wrong.

For those who did not leave reading this blog at the last line, this is my further line of argument. I admit that before the society was beautifully structured and impeccably functional. Women in the house and men outside was a great arrangement and we all benefited from it. However, this is a great and beneficial arrangement only if there is no difference between a person working in the house and outside it. When the respect accorded to both is the same. Patriarchal societies are all good until the male only ‘makes’ the decision but the decision-making processes includes the female of the house. Till today men of the family make all of a woman’s decisions. Even telling her whom to marry and what career to choose. For example, I remember being advised to become a teacher, why? because “it is the safest career for women”. Define safe I asked, and they said, “you will be able to manage your home and job easily and there won’t be too much pressure.” Prudent advice, but did it take my views into consideration? or my choices or even my intellect? No. Did these things mattered to them? Again, No.

You start asserting your identity when you feel there is a threat to it. When you realise that unless you do something, your existence will very soon put to question. A lot of women went through this identity crisis until they revolted. Until they asked to be made a part of the labour force because they wanted to be financially independent in a world where their future was uncertain. They realised that the only way they will be known as any entity is when they work outside the home (because at home, a full-time job is unpaid for and un-respected). This was and is the quest for recognition of a woman. And she has the right to demand it because very rightly she works very hard for it. It’s not validation, its demand for much more, a realization that your existence matters to people who matter to you.

With recognition, I bring in the issue of respect because it is time a woman is respected as a person and not dismissed because she is a woman. Not generalised because some idiotic film-maker thinks that it must be a woman who is all wrong in a relationship (without any input from the man) and thus decides to make a “Pyar ka Punchnama”. And not victimised by many others who, when they couldn’t get a “yes” for their proposal from a girl, decided it was time she be known as a slut in the entire college. Who understood that character assassination is to be done at will and will be done to prove a point. Case in point, a Mika Singh who thought that just because Rakhi Sawant is wearing a backless dress and is present in his party, she is fully open to his sexual assault and not just not open, she “asked for it too” (more on this stuff in the slut walk post)

I also bring in the issue of respect because many fail to understand and will never understand the kind of pressures that a woman faces in her day-to-day life. Imagine thinking about how to talk, behave, dress, and 100 other things in your everyday life because of how it might be taken by people outside and hence, how it might affect your family and its reputation. Even the way she laughs or talks to other people is to be thought about. Women go through a lot in their daily lives to live “as women” and they do deserve their fair amount of dignity and consideration. Recognise her labour. Her being. Recognise that the woman who works at home works too and that she deserves to be taken as a productive member of the house, of the family and the society. She deserves to be heard. It is not about who does what, but where one is put because of the kind of work he/she does that matters.And affects. Mind that.

So the next time you see a working woman who works even when her husband earns well, don’t stop and wonder – she works because you denied her her existence and she is fighting for that. And don’t pity a housewife because she just sits at home and has “nothing” to do. She probably gave up a lucrative career to look after the house – talk to me when you gather enough guts to make that sacrifice.


Here or there?

So when I talk about a person who can’t decide, of course the first post comes aptly titled “Here or there”. But I assure you this means serious business.

I mean really serious.

For all my life, I have wanted to have a successful career and one where I’d be able to fulfill my dreams. This is the only thing that I have ever focused on. Have made a mess of my personal life many a times but haven’t really cared about it. I also did not care about how many people I have hurt in the way. I always put “following my dreams” over everything else and this has been my conviction for a long long time.

However, off late I have started wondering whether everything is really worth it. I mean you know, the late hours and the work-like-a-donkey and the living away from family and friends, generally 24 hours in the office kind of thing. I was wondering whether all you really need is a career and success or there are other important things in life as well, such as love, family, bonding, living close to loved ones (even if it means giving up some of your dreams).

So what is it?

I haven’t been able to decide what is more important but all I have come to know in so many days of pondering over is that there are some really hard choices you have to make in order to make a mark in this world (if making a mark fascinates you in any way, that is). You need to give up the cosy comforts of a home, the security of being with parents and the luxury of going to an office for only some fixed hours. And these hard choices, they are really worth it in life, if you choose to make them.

But again, I have also realised that you need to draw a line between your life and your work and give precedence to people who are close to you. Lets face it, no one can and wants to live alone. And if you don’t want to be alone you’d have to give what you want to receive. That do unto others, yeah, that kind of thing. You have to be as much at home as you have to be at work (perhaps a little here and there, but I am sure you get the point). You need to follow, what they say, is the middle path.

The middle path is where you don’t want to be on either sides. Where you don’t want to be religious but you don’t want to be an atheist either. The kind of thing that sometimes makes you an “eggetarian” (and this is really a bad example).

The thing about taking sides is that you never base it on facts or proper information but on a lot of emotional and social content. I have done and for many issues, I still do it now. There are things that I feel very strongly about and when they happen, I never bother to check what other aspects it might also have. In the past too, I have had strong opinions about a lot of things in society and media and the world. They did give me a sort of a comfort zone of very strong ideals but in reality they were always just blanket rejections or acceptances. And both are disastrous if you want to discover reality or most of the times, the semblance of it.

However, I just cannot quantify this middle path. For example, do I know how much work is too much work? No. Do I know how many people should be happy with me for me to know that I am balancing things well? No. Do I know how much fame is enough fame? No. So, as much as I want to follow the middle path, I don’t know where to locate it and to top it all, I don’t know if I am treading one right now.

Hence, the bigger, overarching question to the whole problem is, should one follow the middle path or should one take sides and be comfortable in following something completely?

As for me, I am neither here, nor there.